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Fri, Apr 12 – 10 pm
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Schedule

BILL MAHER COMEDY TOUR

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“Michelle Bachman for President. As a comedian, all I can say is, where can I donate to this cause?”

- Bill Maher -

“Tea baggers. The one thing they hate is when you call them racist. The other thing they hate is black people.”

- Bill Maher -

“I don’t want my president to be a TV star. You don’t have to be on television every minute of every day – you’re the president, not a rerun of ‘Law & Order’.”

- Bill Maher -

“To really understand how whack religion is, you have to look at the new religions– which for this country is Mormons and Scientologists. Who I think should merge and make Mormontology.”

- Bill Maher -

“The Pope has a Facebook page. That’s true, I’m not making that up. What’s creepy is that under the relationship status, he put ‘It’s complicated.'”

- Bill Maher -

“The Real Axis of Evil in America is the Genius of our marketing and the gullibility of our people”

- Bill Maher -

“Why are decent citizens still being jailed for smoking the wrong plant, easing the suffering of the terminally ill, or accepting cash for sex instead of the customary dinner and drinks?”

- Bill Maher -

“Every asshole who ever chanted ‘Drill baby drill’ should have to report to the Gulf coast today for cleanup duty”

- Bill Maher -

“The battle for good health is won on the cellular level”

- Bill Maher -

“Sarah Palin visited Israel and stood at the Wailing Wall and said ‘I stood here for 45 minutes and didn’t see one whale.'”

- Bill Maher -

“State of Union speeches – always remind me of the old Ed Sullivan show: something for everybody! The Beatles, Kate Smith, a fucking juggler”

- Bill Maher -

“We have the Bill of Rights. What we need is a Bill of Responsibilities.”

- Bill Maher -

“Since Tom DeLay has done only two things since leaving politics – ‘Dancing with the Stars’, and now prison, somebody must tell him: there are easier ways to have sex with men.”

- Bill Maher -

“Sarah Palin finally heard what happened to Japan and she’s demanding that we invade Tsunami.”

- Bill Maher -

“What do you think would happen if tomorrow Obama showed up with Kanye’s crop circles shaved into his head? Stock market would lose 5,000 pts.”

- Bill Maher -

“Women cannot complain about men anymore until they start getting better taste in them.”

- Bill Maher -

“The countries that have the money to offer large cash awards to the families of suicide bombers, or to send little boys to madrasah’s, the prep schools of hate, are getting that money from people using lots of oil.”

- Bill Maher -

“The irony is what we love most about our cars—the feeling of freedom they provide—has made us slaves. Slaves to cheap oil, which has corrupted our politics, threatened our environment and funded our enemies.”

- Bill Maher -

“Sarah Palin on her Facebook page said she still believes in death panels. You know what, Sarah, if we were going to get rid of useless people, you would be the first to know.”

- Bill Maher -

“When you tolerate intolerance, you are not really being a liberal.”

- Bill Maher -

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