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Fri, Apr 12 – 10 pm
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BILL MAHER COMEDY TOUR

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“I don’t hate America. I love America. Thomas Jefferson lived in America. Mark Twain lived in America. So did Billie Holiday and Frank Lloyd Wright… and a lot of other people Sarah Palin never heard of.”

- Bill Maher -

“Sarah Palin visited Israel and stood at the Wailing Wall and said ‘I stood here for 45 minutes and didn’t see one whale.'”

- Bill Maher -

“What do you think would happen if tomorrow Obama showed up with Kanye’s crop circles shaved into his head? Stock market would lose 5,000 pts.”

- Bill Maher -

“If you think you have it tough, read history books.”

- Bill Maher -

“State of Union speeches – always remind me of the old Ed Sullivan show: something for everybody! The Beatles, Kate Smith, a fucking juggler”

- Bill Maher -

“George Bush, compared to these tea baggers, he looks like a professor.”

- Bill Maher -

“Sarah Palin finally heard what happened to Japan and she’s demanding that we invade Tsunami.”

- Bill Maher -

“I don’t want my president to be a TV star. You don’t have to be on television every minute of every day – you’re the president, not a rerun of ‘Law & Order’.”

- Bill Maher -

“Laura Bush coming out for gay marriage! I guess if you’re married to W for 30 yrs you know you don’t have to be gay to have sex with an asshole.”

- Bill Maher -

“Wow just read Oxford Dictionary added OMG and LOL as words! WTF??”

- Bill Maher -

“The Pope has a Facebook page. That’s true, I’m not making that up. What’s creepy is that under the relationship status, he put ‘It’s complicated.'”

- Bill Maher -

“”Ha, we’re changing Operation Iraqi Freedom to Operation New Dawn – sounds like a Twilight movie – we’re not occupiers, we’re sexy vampires!”

- Bill Maher -

“There was a revolution in the Arab country of Tunisia. Not a lot of people know about Tunisia. Sarah Palin thinks it’s the name of one of Obama’s kids”

- Bill Maher -

“Why do people act shocked whenever NASCAR drivers get into an accident what?! No! One minute he’s flying around an oil-slicked track at 200 mph, and the next minute: gone!”

- Bill Maher -

“I believe in the death penalty, but with better DNA testing – my slogan is ‘Let’s Kill The right People'”

- Bill Maher -

“When you tolerate intolerance, you are not really being a liberal.”

- Bill Maher -

“Sarah Palin on her Facebook page said she still believes in death panels. You know what, Sarah, if we were going to get rid of useless people, you would be the first to know.”

- Bill Maher -

“We have the Bill of Rights. What we need is a Bill of Responsibilities.”

- Bill Maher -

“It is being reported that a third of the world watched the royal wedding – and yet they claim gays are only 3 pct of population?”

- Bill Maher -

“The BP oil spill is the worst thing to happen to beaches since the Speedo.”

- Bill Maher -

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